You already know what I’m going to say – I obviously couldn’t see every movie this year and so this is just a list of my least favourite movies, out of the ones that were at least initially appealing enough to me, to get me to move to see them in the first place; but that’s just harder to put in a title. I’m sure there were some bigger stinkers out there, that I avoided, or that never crossed my radar, and to get on this list means that these following movies had the potential to be dazzlers, but they let me down or broke my heart… Actually, that’s drastic… well, no, maybe not in some cases, no 😢 Some of these movies might even be up there with your personal favourites for the year, and whilst I’d encourage you to check yourself, perhaps I’m the one who needs a mirror, and a healthy debate in the comments below could spark exposure to the error of my ways. It’s all opinion, after all – but I’ve sharpened mine, ready to jab at a dud with rebuke! Let’s get prodding.
My 10 Least Favourite Movies of 2023
10. The Marvels
The Marvels… here we are. Remember a few years ago when Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings and Spider-Man: No Way Home were both very high up my list of favourite movies of the year? Well times have changed. Yes, Marvel has been like a car stuck in mud since Avengers: Endgame, taking some time to wade in tranquility over the ramifications of an epic saga, but now their wheels are spinning trying to restart. I really could’ve put Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania on this list in this position, but I’ve chosen The Marvels because I believe it has a larger kitbag of the same problems. The MCU has expanded too quickly, and The Marvels marks the first time where watching television is essential to the cinematic experience 😳 Which is a baffling insult to cinematic mysticism for starters, in my opinion. Then, the movie is a total mess – snappy throwaway jokes won’t save you now, when the planning has been so rushed to deliver, the story too thin, and the director’s intended tone is incongruent with the events on screen. I don’t know if there was ever a plan with what to do with Captain Marvel before it was decided she was an unlikable hero, but this movie feels like it has been cobbled together from Plan C at best, and the conveyor belt couldn’t slow down to think about it before it produced the next MCU product. As an overcomplicated franchise growing faster than is worth tracking, The Marvels is the one that’s forced me to put my pole in the ground, where I’ll now separate all that has come before, with all that comes next. The superhero genre, in general, has taken a real kick to the teeth this year, since nearly all of them have flopped, and although I hate to say it, the Hollywood actor’s strike might’ve come at a good time for the MCU, as they were forced to take a break, and might consider a retool.
9. Saw X
Hey, listen, I don’t mind hating on a movie that other reviewers like, but I was genuinely shocked by the level of ardency with which the horror community embraced Saw X, after I’d written my review and come out of my little hidey-hole. I did not see that coming! Admittedly, the middle portion of this movie is electric – the traps are good, and one trap is probably my favourite of the entire series. But the beginning of this movie is so dry, and the ending of this movie is so obvious, and uneventful, that I thought Saw X was almost a complete waste of time. Bully for Tobin Bell, and Shawnee Smith, getting a return to their iconic characters, but this franchise has been done for a long time. I heard multiple reviewers say that they liked Saw X because it framed John Kramer (Tobin Bell) more as an anti-hero than a villain, but the way I see it, Kramer has always considered himself an antihero, and we get enough backstory through the other movies to make that clear to us as well. It should be said, that although I admire the Saw franchise for its simplicity and endurance, it’s never been one that I have personally associated with quality, and therein could also lie part of the reason for my low ranking 🤷♂️ Anyway, milk the franchise all you want, and whilst I’m glad to see audiences enthusiastic for something beloved, Saw X is not a revelation in my book, and I was bored out of my mind for large parts in the cinema. So, 9th on my list is where it shall stay.
8. Foe
I’m a simple man – I see Saoirse Ronan, I watch. But boy, did that girl back the wrong horse on Derby Day. And I don’t say that with glee, but the concept for Foe was always destined to be a high-risk/high-reward venture, with a sci-fi premise, heavy investment in romance, and a slow reveal that takes around an hour to form. Watching the movie, there sure seemed to be some simple levers to pull to improve it – like setting to movie in Australia, for goodness’ sake, since you’re already here, and relying on the dead dryness of the landscape to sell your atmosphere. But it’s all easy to say in hindsight, and I like Foe as an example of how having all the right pieces in place can still make for an ugly puzzle if you’re not careful. What Foe ended up being was incredibly tedious, confusing, and made one of the best actresses on the planet look like an amateur. Sorry Foe, you dared to dream but you thudded like a spaceman without a rocket.
7. Peter Pan & Wendy
Riddle me this… when you’re dead set on remaking your entire animated collection into Live Action cash printing machines, why cheap out on Peter Pan?! This is a property that boasts Neverland, pirates, mermaids, fairies, and whatever else kind of magic we can now only dream about. But as soon as you see a live-action remake find its way straight to Disney+, you can almost be certain that nobody has faith it in. And right they were. Although I can often be live-action remake apologist while half the internet can’t stand any of them, this is one I can’t defend. Peter Pan & Wendy is easily one of the ugliest movies of the year, and a dour step-back from the joys that come through its colourful nostalgic animation counterpart. Disney is in big trouble at the moment, with all of its major franchises and studios flailing, and Peter Pan & Wendy is one good example of reasons why – it’s cheap, and it’s clearly been made by a team putting the cart before the horse, in terms of prioritising box-checking to make sure that this is a progressive tale, over making a movie that is fundamentally entertaining. It’s narrative changes don’t elevate the material; and material that has mostly withstood a century. In a word; yuck. Seventh worst movie of the year, and straight on ‘til morning!
6. Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile
Out of the ten movies on this list, I think this is the movie that I’d hoped would surprise me the most, where I could find surprise love. It’s a fairly basic concept – a child finds an unusual friend – and after I enjoyed Clifford the Big Red Dog, and even didn’t hate Tom & Jerry recently, throw a few musical numbers in there, and I should have a smile on my dile – my croc-o-dile 😏😆 But I think, from memory, this movie just goes in too many directions, reaching high levels of absurdity not even sustainable enough to be so-bad-it-good, and sends a muddled message on morality. The movie also repeats the same song over and over, and it just seems lazy. So, by the end, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that the crocodile-in-a-bathtub movie wasn’t for me, but it was still a letdown, and I’d rather be saying how I was delighted beyond reason, instead of disgustingly disgruntled.
5. White Men Can’t Jump
In a word, limp. The original had so much swagger, entrenched as a colourful and sun-soaked cult classic with two of the most charismatic personalities of the nineties. I think there’s probably much that could’ve been said, about the evolving landscape of basketball, providing the characters could live up to the energy, to carry us along in the modern day. But White Men Can’t Jump really doesn’t offer much but brand recognition, and constant namedrops of basketball stars tearing up the court. I think the movie must’ve got the Space Jam: A New Legacy treatment, because it’s now too clean and too corporate to be any fun anymore – but hey, I don’t know; I’m just a nineties kid, and I reflect favourably on the days of old. Jack Harlow is certainly no Jennifer Lopez, Lady Gaga, or Justin Timberlake, when it comes to making the jump from music to acting. Oh, so there you go; there’s a white guy who can’t jump 🤨
4. Wonka
I’ll channel my inner Mark Hamill again, when I say, I fundamentally disagree with the direction of this movie and its characters. While I was watching Wonka, I just had the Vine running through my mind, of the Rock saying, “it’s the biggest piece of dogshit that I’ve ever seen.” I went pretty hard on this movie in my review, and I’m sure it’s not all that bad – I’m sure it’s a fun time for kids, and for those who couldn’t care less about Willy Wonka before now. But I had a point to prove, and I was simply affronted by the level of disrespect and neglect that I perceived, thrown at Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and what had been established before. Director Paul King has said he intended to make a companion piece to the original, and what, in the same way yang sits next to ying? I’ve even heard one professional reviewer genuinely remark that Wonka is a great movie, “if you don’t think of it as a Wonka prequel, but think of it as Paddington 3” – and that might be all well and good for some, but therein denies the point of the movie, doesn’t it? 🙄 At least a movie like Foe, which was just eighth on this list, tried to do something monumental, and just failed – Wonka is fine middling outside expectations. Therefore, my Wonka experience was completely abrasive, insulting to my sensibilities towards respectful story and worldbuilding. To those on the other side – have fun, I suppose.
3. Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken
You ever watch a movie, and when it starts, all you can think is, “no, no, no, no, no!”? Slow down and think about what you’re doing, Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken, because I’m rooting for you to succeed! But it’s too late – the movie’s production finished months ago, and the movie was sent out across the globe, where it found its way into my insignificant lap. And, yep, the opening scene of this movie slapped me in the face with a pace that seemed to be making up for a lack of substance, which absolutely proved to be the case. As the movie goes on, the stakes are empty, and the movie never clicked that it’s supporting character is actually the most exciting aspect of the movie, and should’ve been made the lead. I appreciate the attempted alternative, and subtle jab at Disney’s The Little Mermaid, while DreamWorks can often position themselves as the edgier competition to the house-of-mouse, they’ve still got to have some weight behind it, and cannot succeed just for showboating with such a thin product. Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken also contains one of the ugliest final-battle animation creations that I’ve ever seen. But the movie was obviously not directed towards grown men, but little ladies, so it matters more what they thought of the movie, although I don’t think anyone else saw it – Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken was a massive box office bomb, and the world missed out on nothing.
2. The Munsters
It’s low hanging fruit, but this movie is a mess. The Munsters came out on Netflix in the States last year, and performed so poorly that Australian Netflix must’ve said, “we’re not touching that”, so it thumped onto Foxtel and VOD around September this year. To give this production the benefit of the doubt, it’s clearly trying to go for a chosen style and commits, but it doesn’t work 😕 Rumour has it that director Rob Zombie wanted to release this in black and white, and at least that would’ve solved the one problem of the garish colour, and harsh lighting system that hadn’t been seen since the days of Batman & Robin. But the performances aren’t great either; neither is the pacing or comedy. It has the feel of a TV pilot, and it must’ve had the cheapest, or one of the cheapest, budgets of any movie that I saw this year too. A passion project for Zombie, nonetheless, and I hope he can at least pop it on at family gatherings and enjoy it as a completion of a personal ambition. Because nobody else liked it, I’m telling you.
1. Trolls Band Together
Yeah, I did this to myself. I hated the last Trolls movie, Trolls: World Tour, after coming out lukewarm on the first one, Trolls, but maintaining that this franchise had potential – Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake singing whatever they want, should be a hit, right? But this movie is disappointment-on-disappointment-on-waffles, pumping out a sugar rich jolt without any concrete concept of purpose, or gravitas. It’s probably fantastic for toddlers, but we demand a little more from our animation, surely. We praise movies like Shrek and Toy Story when they’re fun for the whole family, so why not roast colourful goop like Trolls Band Together when it’s a churlish waste of time? This franchise doesn’t even respect its own characters – the importance of the supporting cast flows in and out like a housedog with the runs. This is the second DreamWorks animation to appear on this list, after Puss in Boots: The Last Wish came out last Boxing Day and was fantastic – but DreamWorks blew up that good will in less than an Earth’s rotation. No more Trolls movies! Please! I’m serious.
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Scream VI avoids another tirade, but it was easily my most heartbreaking movie of the year 💔 Although, leaving the theatre and considering my emotional investment in the franchise finished, turned out to be a blessing in disguise, since the two main leads are now out, and the sequel blew up 😮😄 Haunted Mansion, The Creator, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, Women Talking, and The Machine were also not terrific, but at least had one redeeming feature in them, saving them from being lower down on my list. Beau Is Afraid and No One Will Save You should probably consider themselves lucky that I was in a forgiving mood after I saw them, and weighed up generously their discovered intentionality over how much I actually enjoyed them 😬 I didn’t realise until, maybe, the last month of the year, that I’d developed a discernable pattern on the type of movies that were letting me down this year, since there’s arguably seven movies on this list that “should be” fun for the whole family – as I’m getting older, it could be a sign that I’m outgrowing the genre, or that times have changed… or it could be a signal that these movies are batshit hogwash garbage 🤮 Lastly, as I’ve already said, there were many movies that I didn’t see in 2023, but I understand that Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, The Exorcist: Believer, and Expend4bles were among the real snot-rots too, in franchises that I’m not yet involved in.
So that’s it – bye, bye 2023. Five new movies dropped on Boxing Day for Australia, but I’ll consider them 2024 cinematic experiences since they’ll still be showing in the new year too, and I’ve got to pause at some time to make these lists! But did you see a movie in 2023 that made you want to vomit? Are my 10 accurate, or do you hold a special place in your heart for any of them? Comment below, or quit living in the past! 2024 will have more movies again! ♥
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