Apologies to Micheal Bay, but Zack Snyder has got to be the biggest rockstar director we have, right? He makes the scene with a young boy’s sex dream in Sucker Punch back in the day, and produces a near shot-for-shot of the most famous comic book in Watchmen. Then he’s given the keys to the DC Universe and decides to make a 4-hour Justice League movie that probably would’ve never seen the light of day if not for the invention of streaming… 😄 He then makes a zombie romp to go with his Dawn of the Dead, but this time with a heist and blackjack, and now, if Star Wars won’t give him an opportunity, he’ll just make his own. I’ve now seen Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire, and it’s definitely the definition of that meme, where a boy wants Star Wars, and the Mum says, “we have Star Wars at home”, and this is the Star Wars at home. I think my local $2 shop already sells these action figures from China.
Keeping under the radar, a former general to the Motherworld, Kora (Sofia Boutella), has joined a colony of simple farmers, on the isolated planet of Veldt. But as the Motherworld’s soldiers spread across the galaxy, they demand resources from Veldt, which kickstarts a mission where Kora must gather together a group of outcast warriors to help defend her new home. Through this, is a backdrop of a benevolent king that fell, and a bunch of robots pining over their chosen princess.
Yes, it takes less than a minute to realise that what we are watching is a Star Wars rip-off. An Anthony Hopkins voiceover tells us that a Senator took control of the galaxy with an iron fleet, and a spaceship flies overhead looking for rebels, as we move into a farm planet where we find our humble hero. But, I was also right about Synder being a rockstar, because these farmers faaarrrk…… for the good of the harvest. There’s no nineteen-years-olds, stuck at hope with their aunt and uncles, sipping blue milk, and whining about power converters, that’s for sure 😄 This year, we’ve been spoilt by two epic Part One’s, delivering grand adventure, and promising more for the future ahead, and this isn’t one of them – Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse and Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One are the two I had in mind, for those playing at home 😏 But the most baller thing about Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is that it even got made. It’s nowhere near as dreary as the early critics scores suggest, for I found it to be engaging enough the whole way through; even if in the same way that a head-on truck crash driven by dolphins would be – miraculous, beautiful, horrible. The biggest knock on this movie is the scenery – I never once believed we were on a distant planet and not a sound studio, and the movie looks so much more unrealistic than something like The Fifth Element, which was made 26 years ago. This movie reminded me of that episode of Community, where Chang has becomes famous, and so the Greendale crew capitalise by putting together a fake space movie on the cheap – and it wouldn’t even bother me if Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is revealed to take place in the same fictional universe 😮 But at the same time (and I’m probably being kind), I found the lack of realism also added to the other-worldly feeling intended by a space opera, and so it wasn’t a dealbreaker, like it might’ve been if we were in another genre. Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is also so incredibly out there, that its cheapness almost acts like part of its charm ☺
More obnoxious to me was some of the phrasing, like the number of times the characters referred to Veldt as a colony of “simple” farmers, like they couldn’t be ‘complex’ or ‘nurturing’ farmers, and were dismissingly boxed into the most generic archetype. Also, the manner in which General Titus (Djimon Hounsou) was a hopeless drunk in one scene, but never-mind-I’m-fine’d himself back into warrior-mode in a matter of moments, and the idea that just because one dude barely rode a griffin for five minutes, means anyone can ride him now forever, were asinine as well. Even the see-through drapes, that Kora closes for (no) privacy from her elder roommate make you wonder who was in charge of the oversight on this project 😄 And that bloody robot, voiced by Anthony Hopkins, better throw hands, or have some major part in the next movie, or his presence could almost be cut out of this one with no real consequence – I’m betting that an army of lost robots show up in the next movie because they’ve found their new princess to protect in Sam (Charlotte Maggi) the water girl. What do you think? Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire; yeah, it’s a weird one, for sure.
No great spiel about the acting today; well, maybe a little one, because Ed Skrein is always a fantastic choice for villain, and I haven’t seen him since Alita: Battle Angel, where he’s essentially playing the same role. Sofia Boutella is an actress that sort’ve disappeared after prominent roles in Kingsman: The Secret Service, The Mummy and Atomic Blonde, and I’m glad to see her back. I think my favourite of the new characters is the noble Wicked Witch of the West, Nemesis (Doona Bae), and her fight against the oddly deep sympathetic spider-woman Harmada (Jena Malone) was awesome. But there’s no way I’m believing Gunnar (Michiel Huisman) is nothing but a naive farmer, yet I liked his moment, where he underestimates the cruelty of Noble (Ed Skrein) on Veldt, and has to spend the whole movie trying to catch up again – he’s got to be another important person undercover, or it’s poor casting 😬 Charlie Hunnam’s cool mercenary puts Benicio del Toro’s to shame for his participation in Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. In fact, Daisy Ridley’s Rey-Everybody must be spitting chips because this movie’s fetch-quest, is much more believable than hers in Star Wars Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker, which still doesn’t get a pass. But for as much as Star Wars is always a prominent comparison to anything remotely other-worldly, this production is really exactly Seven Samurai or The Magnificent Seven set in space, more than anything else. It’s balls-to-the-wall elements, like gruesome potential gang rape and machines designed to deliver precise permanent paralysis, are not fun, never fun, but not a great deal edgier than that of Game of Thrones, which was a phenomenal worldwide hit. If Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire had a few more design flaws, like those God-awful transparent curtains, then I couldn’t lean towards a positive rating, but this movie was intriguing enough to enjoy it as throwaway entertainment – and since it’s Christmas time, what better time to turn our brains down and go with the flow 😎 The most annoying thing about this whole experience was Netflix, bombarding me with a teaser trailer for Part Two before the final credits got even a chance to roll. I mean, I went into this knowing it was a Part One, didn’t I? It’s in the title, isn’t it? There’s a banner that comes up before clicking play that tells me that Part Two will come out in April, ISN’T THERE?! I’m already sold Netflix, so why spoil the magic of what comes next with as much poise as a reality soap? There’s got to be a way to turn off those bloody previews, because they drive me insane… Happy New Year, everybody!
3.0
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