I was actually gung-ho to see Haunted Mansion in theatres, but then a week into its Australian run, I see Disney+ announce that the movie will be available on streaming in less than a month. Why would I then go to the cinema to see the new movie when it’s so close to coming to me? These streaming services shoot themselves in the foot sometimes. They should view themselves as libraries, for vintage content, with a few new TV shows thrown in here and there for hype, and allow new movies to have a life of their own, for even up to two years, before finding themselves on the library shelves. But I guess ‘box office’ and ‘potential revenue’ were some of the debates of the recent Hollywood strikes, so I’m best leaving the business to the people who know best, and I’ll just stick to movies!
When Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) moves into a haunted mansion, she hires an exorcist. And when said exorcist proves incapable of living up to the task, said exorcist, Father Kent (Owen Wilson), outsources to Ben Matthias (Lakeith Stanfield); a failed quantum ghost detector, deterred from his research ever since his wife died. Ben wants nothing to do with this case, but after stepping foot inside the haunted mansion, those pesky ghosts won’t leave him alone. The ghost’s true puppeteer is the Hatbox Ghost (voiced by Jared Leto), who has his sights set on collecting 1000 souls so he can re-enter the living realm… and he already has 999 😬 Ben and his new best buddies better work quick, before the Hatbox Ghost can complete his bidding. Director Justin Simien, what have you done here?
My word, these characters are flat. LaKeith Stanfield and Rosario Dawson are absolute talents, but they couldn’t have gotten it worse. Ben runs a tour around ghost country, yet he doesn’t want to talk about ghosts 😑 Gabbie and her son, Travis (Chase W. Dillon), roll up to their new home in the middle of the night(!), and don’t turn on any lights(!), to sleep in a house dustier than Springfield(!!). Don’t get me wrong, all these things could happen, but at least have the characters walk us through why this is happening. Maybe Gabbie’s lease on her previous property ran out disappointingly premature, and maybe she’d tried to organise cleaners, but once they heard of the address, they bailed. Maybe this is the very day Ben finally snapped from all the mundane and prickling ghost questions with which he used to excel, and decided this would be the first tour he’d go ghost-less. I think it’s called nuance, what I’m asking for; it helps us relate to the character’s actions. If ever you wanted an example of a concern surrounding AI technology attempting script writing… ta-da! However, as far as I can tell, humans are still responsible for this one 😬 Ben even rolls up to the mansion to take photos for cash only to discover that he hasn’t checked if the camera’s battery is dead(!), and decides to fake taking photos with kiddy clicking sounds, thinking Gabbie won’t notice(!), and there’s no moment or beat to show Ben processing this setback and deciding this action, which really could’ve easily contributed to a display of Ben’s apathetic nature.
And I hope the irony is not lost on anyone, for both movies deal with ghosts, but this movie is clearly suffering from the 2016 Ghostbusters problem as well, where it is overstuffed, and characters never miss an opportunity to overtalk. There’s no way this movie needs to be 123 minutes long, and the eventual story would’ve benefitted if the movie wasn’t filled with so much junk – like, trips to the hospital, and one very aggressive game of action figures 😑 I think the only time a character’s gibberish didn’t put me off is when Bruce (Danny DeVito) acts like the hype man to anything Ben says to the police sketch artist, which was so good that I saw it in the trailer.
But the séance scene works well, as it provides a ghostly atmosphere, and finally introduces us to our villain. The séance scene is directly followed by Ben having an emotional moment too, which went a way to helping me connect with him as our lead. So, problems solved? I should also state that Tiffany Haddish and her character are entirely a load of fun – Harriet has no filter, and is a little rough around the edges, but when it comes to her profession, she is defiant in what she knows best (and say it with me, boys and girls – competence!). I also acknowledge how the movie is able to model new stakes out of the same established characters it had in Eddie Murphy’s The Haunted Mansion from 2003 – Gracey, Madam Leota, the Hatbox Ghost. While I know these movies are based off a Disneyland attraction, and I assume these characters exist within the attraction’s lore somehow, it’s still good to have two alternate stories, instead of a complete retelling. And I do like this movie’s stakes, it’s just the execution, you guys! Haunted Mansion is also so forceful in trying to make us believe this group of spook all-sorts become a family through their experience too. At one point Father Kent even says that if he’s to die in this house there’s no one else he’d rather be with, and I was just waiting for one of the other characters to flat-out tell him that that’s kind’ve sad, considering they all just met and were duped into being haunted together; but they agree. Give the points to Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves from earlier this year, for half-convincing me that their motley crew became the Avengers-lite through teamwork and connection, because this nearly zero-convinced me. To fix the beginning, what if Ben was the last to be recruited, because he’s a burnout, and the rest of the eclectic professionals were already at the mansion? It could position Ben as a voice of reason, thinking the others callous for cursing him, and also give him a grander arc as he’s the one who saves the day after starting out as the group’s runt. Or maybe Ben is a reluctant leader, the callous one who calls Harriet (Tiffany Haddish) and Bruce (Danny DeVito) into the fray, showing he couldn’t give two hoots about others getting haunted so long as he’s eventually able to leave? I also wonder if this story could’ve worked better if the group weren’t able to leave the house at all, and I think the answer is yes – just have the Hatbox Ghost’s possession be somewhere on the grounds. I know The Haunted Mansion did something similar, but this would’ve restrained the story from some of its extraneous detours. And while I’m whinging, I just find it funny that not a lot about this movie is even resolved, in case a surprise audience following brings the tiny pitter-patter of a sequel, I presume. The ghost house is still filled with ghosts, Madame Leota (Jamie Lee Curtis) returns to her ball, and Father Kent is even properly ordained, so he can continue being the wildly priestly figure we already thought him to be when we first met.
Overall, you guessed it, Haunted Mansion is disappointing. And I think it could’ve been much stronger, with a little more care and focus. If Disney want to avoid having so many flops in a calendar year, and dumping their content on streaming so quick that international markets don’t get a chance to clammer to see them, then I suggest the best place to start would be in making good movies again. Part of the initial appeal for me with Haunted Mansion was that it wasn’t put straight to Disney+, indicating some mark of belief in its quality. And it’s a shame Haunted Mansion boasts the problems it has, because I can see LaKeith Stanfield adding a string to his bow as a charismatic family-movie actor, but nobody will remember this venture. For all its effort, Haunted Mansion is missing the human element; we’re told these people become a family, but I never believe it.
2.0
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