Sequels! Sequels! Sequels! Out of the three sequels I’ve watched recently, this is the one I thought least likely to happen. I hated The Hitman’s Bodyguard (and it’s fine if you liked it, that’s good for you), and I ranked it in my top 5 worst movies of 2017… Why would you cast Ryan Reynolds in your buddy movie and then give him a character that sucks all the charm out?! Anyway, enough people liked it, so here we are. ‘But, Mr. Today Junior’, I hear you ask, ‘why even watch a sequel to a movie that you think is terrible?’ Because you manure a garden to help it grow. I think it’s fine to get a bitter taste on my palate every now and then because it helps to appreciate when the sweeter times come. And maybe this movie has figured it out – having Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson as a hitman and a bodyguard should be a winning combination. Honestly, my expectations are so low, I’m probably going to really like this movie.
So, I did rewatch the first one preparing for this one, and it’s not THAT bad. The setup is rocky, the script could be way better, but the action is sturdy. Admittedly, Sonia Kincaid (Selma Hayek) is a joy in the first movie and I’m glad she gets an expanded role here. She’s a feisty firecracker, and a woman that I’m glad not to know in real life, but fun to watch – I like when she beats the shit out of Michael’s therapist after the lady wanted nothing to do with Michael anymore. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard comes up with a contrived plot to get Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) and Darius Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) back together again – after a kidnapping that sees a bunch of mobsters dead, the government has to hire Sonia, Michael and Darius to negotiate for them, amidst a plot by a Greek magnate to destroy Europe’s power grid; Aristotle Papadopoulos (Antonio Banderas). There’s honestly less reason for Michael to be so neurotic in this movie, but he is – and to have him be so, the movie must undo his personal growth at the end of the last movie and give him a no-gun policy. At least the idea of Michael being on sabbatical does lead to that one glorious shot of Michael lounging with headphones while assassinated-chaos goes on around him; every cloud, a silver lining, I guess. But the movie goes even further by adding the revelation that Bryce’s mother died because he was obsessed with gelato at the fair, and who’s not laughing at that – and moviegoers hated the Terminator selling drapes in Terminator: Dark Fate; this is sillier.
My main problems with this movie extend from the premise of the last movie – what I would have done differently back then, is have Michael Bryce a confident, yet self-centred, squeaky-clean bodyguard, who is up against it when the government has him cater for Darius Kincaid; a very important witness and hitman. In my vision, there’s no ‘grey area’ with Bryce, as he always works for diplomats and noble people, but this immovable object in Kincaid is testing his methods after falling in love and having a change of heart, speaking up against the people who used to hire him for dirty deeds. The romantic side-tracks of the first movie are probably the best parts, and Kincaid is okay, but I still can’t get on board with Michael Bryce. The only real character developments here is that Sonia Kincaid would really like a baby, and that leads to a final minute twist that was preposterous and comical, where I thought the entire movie was leading up to… you know… Bryce donating sperm.
Searching for positives in the The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard – it’s shorter than the first movie, by about twenty minutes. No, seriously, that’s a benefit. It sure felt like two hours, still; or three hours, or four. Around the hour-and-ten-minute mark I was like, ‘let’s wrap it up, I’ve seen enough’. I thought the violence was a little better; more visually graphic – and that makes the third act the apex of the mindless action. The third act also includes Morgan Freeman getting into it, and the movie makes it appear as if Freeman’s got the moves when it comes to throwin’ hands. In seriousness, I hope this isn’t one of Morgan Freeman’s last movies, but I more strongly wish that the movie had done a better job at hiding the surprise that Freeman is playing Michael’s father, because there’s a little thing called the opening credits that gives the game away; more than half way through the movie, and when Freeman hasn’t shown his face, there’s no prizes for guessing who the man lurking in the shadows of a Tuscan villa will be. Couldn’t the movie have done what Zombieland did, and hide its unexpected guest star with perfect timing; silly!
Anyway, the movie keeps mentioning that Darius Kincaid is unkillable, but I think they’ve got it all wrong – the number of times the movie has Bryce shot or runover and he’s completely fine, he’s the real cock-a-roach-a. I don’t even know if the movie sees its own irony or not. With this in mind, it does appear the movie is unsure whether it is closer to a serious action movie or a spoof, as was the wider criticism of the first movie too. But where I get hung up that the first movie could have been greater, this one probably peaks for what it is, and unfortunately feels like a straight-to-DVD exercise to me. Very boring and very unnecessary.
1.0
Leave a Reply