2020 Reviews – The Witches

Permit me to reveal my inner-self, as if I were Nikki Glaser, and confess – I remember when I watched the 1990 version of The Witches, when I was about 10, I found the scene where the group of women hold down the boy and force feed him, kinda hot. I obviously had no idea about sex back then, but if I think about it now, maybe it had to do with all these women with their hands all over the boy, as if it was me, trapping the boy for their own pleasure. Maybe the boy’s struggle or humiliation was a factor too – I don’t know what any of this means for me or my sexual kinks, if anything. Even when the young boy is watching the witches anticipate Bruno’s transformation is very voyeuristic. The funny thing is, I’ve never found Angelica Houston attractive (the Grand High Witch in 1990) …but I always find Anne Hathaway irresistible. Maybe I shouldn’t be watching this movie in a cinema with small children.

A note about witches, they’re REAL! Voiceover by Chris Rock, recounts a tale of when our ‘Hero Boy’ was a child, and had his first experience with witches. After his parents die in a car accident, our young man (Jahzir Kadeem Bruno) goes to live with his Grandmother (Octavia Spencer). A witch lurks nearby, and Grandmother thinks it best if the pair leave town for a while, making their way to a grand hotel, to hide out. Witches hate children, and as coincidence would have it, the Grand High Witch, leader of the witches (Anne Hathaway) has organised a conference at the very same hotel, to discuss with her coven a master plan to rid the world of all children. Grandmother and Hero Boy couldn’t be in more trouble.

It doesn’t take long to notice how beautiful the cinematography is, and the high quality of the CGI; that’s then I remembered that this is a Robert Zemeckis film, so we’re in safe hands. I’ve heard it mentioned that Zemeckis is like the little brother to director Steven Spielberg, since they can be similar in style, so it makes sense that Spielberg made a movie from a Roald Dahl book not that long ago, The BFG, so Zemeckis now has to make a movie from a Roald Dahl book, The Witches – what a copycat-from-Ballarat. The colour scheme, costumes and locations are fantastic. It’s even entertaining watching the CGI mice and cat character scamper around the hotel, with all the detail put into the moves they do. This production has moved the setting of the story from England to Alabama, and I really appreciated the expansion of the opening act the most, detailing the boy and his Grandmother’s new-formed relationship.

Octavia Spencer is warm, and charming as Grandmother – is that unexpected? She’s delightful, especially when dancing to classic soul hits from the sixties. Spencer gets to throw around that southern twang when speaking with the same freedom she had in The Help; I love it! Conversely, I feel Anne Hathaway is bringing something original, with a thick European accent that couldn’t be any thicker, but I worry that in some moments she goes over the top. Her character, as this Grand High Witch, is also very peculiar-looking, and I wonder if the movie might’ve been better to pull it back, and not have her look so crazy. The movie gives her three CGI claws on her hands, removing fingers where middle and ring fingers should be, and I just think, give her five claws – a human woman with claws is odd enough to look unnatural. The same goes with Hathaway’s split mouth, that I first assumed could stretch out so she could eat kids, but it’s just there for added scare-factor; although it’s not overused, I found watching the Grand High Witch more appealing when her mouth was normal. Then there’s her Emperor Palpatine style lightning that’s used once, and her ability to elongate her arms, that are fun, but unnecessary – she could have still got her fingers caught in an air vent with ordinary arms, and why is she not zapping Grandmother and the boy with lightning when opportunities presents themself? With all these modifications, Hathaway starts to look more like Pennywise from It, than an actual witch. Anyway, I remember how grotesque the witches appeared in the 1990 adaptation, and I understand that it’s for the best that this movie does something different; they looked like bloated goblins from Harry Potter’s Gringotts Bank back then. But take away what I’m unsure about, and the witches in this movie still have claws, no toes, no hair, sharp teeth, elongating nostrils, snakes, talk with a hiss and levitate; and I think that’s witchy plenty.

There are other minor grievances I have, like how Grandmother tells an excellent anecdote about a chicken when she was a girl, and how she is aware that witches exist, but then she knows too much; she knows there’s a Grand High Witch, and she knows there are witches in every town. She’s clearly researched witches, probably part of her life making medicines, but to know so much about them, shouldn’t Grandmother have realised how deadly dangerous they are years ago, and joined Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton in Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters already? The movie is giving us exposition, detailing what witches are like before they’re revealed, but I think the story of Grandmother as a little girl was enough, and the movie could have saved the physical characteristics of witches and their social structure to be revealed in the ballroom. Just turn the radio on and have another sing-along on the way to the hotel instead of telling us too much information, Grandma!

It’s also too convenient for me that the boy’s pet mouse… is not just a pet mouse – she could have just been a mouse that the children understand after their transformation. Not everything in every story has to be so connected; I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot recently. In fact, most stories are usually more believable and relatable the more coincidental they are.

I think the ending to The Witches has always been the weakest part – I don’t remember much past the halfway point of the 1990’s movie without being prodded, and once Hero Boy is turned, this movie also has to work hard to stay investing. It does okay. As a story, I have always liked how The Witches ends; it’s not as much a ‘happily ever after’, where ‘everything is back to normal’ as some, which is cool. I’m really happy The Witches has been remade; it’s a Roald Dahl story that doesn’t get the same attention as some of the bigger names. Through the expert direction of Zemeckis, The Witches looks beautiful, even though I’d snip some design elements, and rejig the storytelling a little while I’m at it. As for that most thrilling scene, and how it made me feel… down there…, the witches feed the boy through the ear in this version, so it’s not even the same thing! Anyway, I’ve grown up now; I’m more into Love, and Other Drugs 😍.

3.0